I’ve spent my whole life keeping most of my thoughts and feelings tucked deep inside, fearing that their escape would cause others to dislike me. I’ve avoided much needed confrontations, missed many opportunities to share my thoughts, and allowed others to make false assumptions about me. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be whatever it was that I thought everyone else thought I should be.
While I accept full responsibility for all of the things I did and didn’t do, I attribute the cause to my childhood. In my house, we were taught that we were always being watched and judged by others. We were taught that our opinions were only right if they were the same as our mother’s. We were taught that voicing our own opinions was actually attacking the opinions of those around us.
I’ve come to realize that none of that is true. People are supposed to be different. We are all individuals, including me. I don’t have to agree with someone in order to have a meaningful relationship with them, and the same is true in reverse. It is ok not to agree. It is ok to say something that might upset someone else. It is ok to be who I am.
I fear that I actually don’t know who I am at this point. I have been too busy trying to be what I thought I should be instead of discovering who I am. I fully intend to change that.
My first step in that direction is to be honest, both with myself and those I care about. Hopefully, I won’t loose anyone I love in the process. If I do, I will know that they didn’t actually love me but the person I allowed them to think I was.
My current goal in life is to detox all the false assumptions I’ve been living under. My new battle cry shall be: OUT WITH THE FAKE AND ACCEPT WHAT’S REAL! Perfect doesn’t exist, therefore I will no longer measure myself against an unattainable standard.